Dear Dr. Yael

Dear Dr. Yael,

I am an older single orthodox man who unfortunately has not gotten married yet. Let me share with you how painful Simchas Torah was for me. I came to shul and everyone had a young child or grandchild over their shoulders or holding their hand. Painfully only people who were married seemed to get a Sefer Torah. I was so hurt. It was like I was invisible. I am an only child and my parents are gone. Neighbors invite me for meals. However, Simchas Torah is so hard for me. Baruch Hashem I make a good living and give tzedakah. Please sensitize your readers.

An Older Single

Dear Another Human Being,

I did not feel it was respectful to address you as your signed name. Your letter is indicative of a community issue. I recently read somewhere that we do not have a singles’ crisis, rather we have a community that needs to understand that just as every other difficulty comes from Hashem, being single is also something that comes from Hashem. Being single is usually not a choice that people make. It is mind boggling that people think that we have control over anything in this world. If we, as a community, change our perspective from one that blames singles for their status to one that understands that this is something that Hashem gave them, then it will help this situation tremendously. No one should be made to feel invisible, or as a nebach because they are single. Everyone is put in this world to fulfill a mission. We do not know what anyone’s mission is, and we must try to see everyone as a creation of Hashem and to treat everyone with the respect they deserve. Let us all try to change our perspective on the “singles’ crisis” and start to just treat people as human beings, instead of differently based on their status of marriage, children, salary, etc.

I’m so sorry you felt invisible over Yom Tov and hope that people do better in the future. In the meantime, try to build yourself up so you know you are important and special. If you walk into shul feeling good about yourself, you will be able to go over to others and maybe feel more a part of things. Of course other individuals should be working harder to make you feel seen and should make sure you get the Torah and feel a part of things. However, the only people we can control are ourselves. Perhaps focusing on building yourself up will help you feel better about yourself and this will help you feel more visible. It may also be a good idea to get involved in some type of activity, club, hobby, sport, chesed, etc. that you would enjoy. Giving to others helps us feel better as well and this can be another way to build yourself up. Perhaps you would enjoy getting involved in a program where boys need “older brothers” or a “father figure?” You may be surprised at how much you would enjoy such a thing and you would be giving so much to boys who really would benefit from your attention and care. If you feel it would be beneficial, please seek professional help to work on building yourself up and knowing that you are an amazing individual.

Hatzlacha with this difficult situation. May you realize your worth and be zoche to fulfill your tafkid, whatever it may be.