Do Our Actions Jibe With Our Beliefs?

There’s a famous story of the holy and revered Chafetz Chaim who came to the town of Radin in an attempt to build a mikvah. After several attempts which were met with a resounding no, he decided to give it one last try. And so, he made the following declaration: “One day, I will stand before G-d, and He will ask me why I did not try to build a mikvah in this town. Therefore, I am writing down all the details of how I attempted to do so and I want each of you to sign it so when I go up to meet G-d, I will hand Him the piece of paper and be absolved of any guilt.” The paper went around the room, but no one would sign it, and eventually the mikvah was built.

The moral of the story is that while people would not openly defy G-d’s will, many times our actions, or rather our inactions, tell a different story.

For instance, no sane Jewish person would ever take a Sefer Torah and chas v’shalom throw it on the floor. Yet when many otherwise observant Jews openly defy and ignore basic halacha, they are effectively doing the same thing, acting like the community members who refused to sign the paper, not realizing that our actions are our signature. In fact, the Gemara Taanis tells us that when a person dies, he is shown a list of all of his life’s actions and is asked to sign it.

When I was younger, and I ate out in treif restaurants – dairy only – I ignored the fact that my eggs were grilled next to strips of bacon, or that my snapper was more than likely marinated in oyster juice, or some other unkosher product (yes, a chef of a huge treif chain once told a close friend that this is a very common practice). Yet like the townspeople at the meeting, even though I knew I was doing something wrong, I refused to look at myself in the mirror and sign the paper.

Eventually, when I went to Israel, I looked in the mirror and realized I was inconsistent in my avdus and needed to change my game. Since that time, the attrition rate within the Modern Orthodox community has only grown, as the latest pew polls suggesting that up to half of all “Modox” children no longer identify as fully observant. These numbers fluctuate depending on the community, school, and family. More alarming are the latest statistics suggesting an even higher attrition rate in most secular colleges today.

Recently, I interviewed three different college campus rabbis as well as several students about the current situation regarding Modern Orthodoxy. Every single one of them confirmed that the situation is even worse than we might think, given the obvious temptations that pretty much define college life. Many parents are unaware, while many others simply choose to look the other way, hoping that their children will eventually get it out of their system, settle down, and marry a “nice Jewish” spouse.

I’ve met some of these kids. The problem is, by the time they get out of college, they are no longer the same people. It seems today’s parents are either clueless about the risk they create by placing their kids in a secular college, or they are playing a game. I wonder what would happen if the following memo was given to the parents of secular college-bound students:

We, _____________, the parents of _______, fully acknowledge the grave spiritual danger we are placing our children in by sending them to a secular college. We also acknowledge the latest polls, studies, and outreach professionals suggesting that roughly 75% of Modern Orthodox Jews (depending on nature, upbringing, and environment) attending college are no longer fully Torah observant, as many laws such as wearing tzitzit, tefillin, Shabbos, and kashrut are generally ignored. [This is without even mentioning fraternities and sororities.]

Like the townspeople, many parents would not sign that letter in good conscience, yet their actions belie another truth.

Today, the likelihood of a Modern Orthodox child remaining strictly observant runs at about 50%, depending on one’s community, upbringing, and experience. A year of learning in Israel helps the odds exponentially, but again, once many of these kids attend a secular college, all bets are off. It’s really no different than putting an alcoholic in a liquor store and expecting them not to have a drink.

My father attended University of Miami in the 50s, yet understood the danger secular colleges pose, practically forcing all three of his boys to attend Yeshiva University. My father attended public school, secular college and graduate schools, and knew the spiritual danger we could face if placed in a bad environment.

Personally, I believe that many Modern Orthodox parents lack proper bitachon, as many actually believe that the only way their kids will become wealthy is if they attend a top school. Yet I know doctors and lawyers that graduated last in their class and they are doing pretty nicely for themselves…

I can’t tell you how many black-hat and chassidishe friends I have who are super successful, and many never attended any schooling beyond yeshiva. But the fact remains the frum Yidden value halacha and mesorah and would never place themselves in a toxic environment that lacks all things Torah, and even worse, promotes all things non-Torah.

Parents, look in the mirror and wake up! If you happen to have that unique child that can insulate and fortify himself against the elements, G-d bless you and may he attend Harvard and Yale with flying colors! Perhaps your child attends a school near New York and has a nice chevra and is a very disciplined person. That’s a different story and I’m not suggesting everyone shouldn’t attend a secular school.

But if he is like the rest of us who are susceptible to wine, women, and song, alternatives such as Yeshiva University or Lander College – not to mention the dozens of yeshivas that offer a college degree – are great options. Israel, home to the most wonderful yeshivas in the world, is also home to the JTC – the Jewish Technological College, a top-notch institution.

We all want our children to be successful, but we have to consider the long-term effects of placing them in a toxic environment. Let us not be like the hypocritical townspeople whose actions were in conflict with their belief system. Rather, let us do what we say and say what we do, continuing to carry the Torah with great pride on our shoulders until the coming of Moshiach.