I Can(t)

Dear Dating Coach,

I have a lot going on. I am in a masters’ program and I work part time. My mother has been struggling medically and is in and out of the hospital. I am basically responsible for my two youngest siblings and their after-school care and I have a huge school project due soon. My married siblings live far away and while they are sympathetic, they are too far to be a real help. So, I am also taking care of cooking, laundry, and grocery shopping. My father is great but he is tied up with his business and my mother’s illness. I feel like I am being pulled in a million different directions and of course this is exactly when I get set up with a guy recommended by a shadchan I really trust. He is interested and available, but I feel like I should say no, because I am just totally overwhelmed and this can’t possibly be the right time for me to be dating someone new. The shadchan wants an answer right away, do I just say no?

Drowning Daughter

Dear Daughter,

I am never amused when I hear the sentence, “If you want something done, look for a busy person.” Not cool. We have a lot on our plates and sure we will probably figure it out, but ask someone else. Yet, inevitably, the person who is busiest ends up taking on a new task because the non-busy people are all in Trader Joe’s perusing the spices. (No offense meant TJ’s, but we are super busy, so we will continue buying 14 bags of Takis every four months. We see those judgmental stares! We just don’t have the time for weekly Scandinavian swimmers. #IYKYK.) But I digress. Those who tend to take a lot on, can feel overwhelmed when something new comes up, even if that something holds the promise of happily ever-afters and pretty white dresses.

She Said “Yes”

You are busy. So, so busy. We are super impressed with your dedication, your love for your family, and your overall ambition. We see how hard you are working and we are sending love your way. Yet, you have been given a gift; the possibility or the right guy for you, and it just feels like too much right now. It’s not that you don’t want to date or put forth effort toward the future you dream of, you just simply can’t add one more thing. Camel. Straw. We get it.

Sit down for a minute. Just one minute, because this is going to be hard for you to hear. Date him. Date him with intention and an open mind and heart. Focus entirely on him when you date and give him the best version of you filled with enthusiasm and positivity. I know this is asking a lot of you. I know this will take great effort, planning, and probably less sleep, but we do not say no to bracha and mazel that come our way. We welcome blessings. We are thankful for them and we do our best to nourish them so that they can grow. Make a plan to clearly prioritize your responsibilities. Ask for help. (Maybe a sibling can fly in for a few days?) If your family is not able to help, ask your rebbetzin, friends, and trusted neighbors. Acknowledge that this is hard for you, but you can do hard things. Take a deep breath and make this work. Trust in Hashem and the plan that you don’t yet understand. You’ve got this. Say yes.