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Purim Shpiel: The following is a satirical article from The Jerusalem Post's annual parodic Purim page, The Jerusalem Roast. Enjoy!
By SHIR PROZAC MARCH 14, 2025 16:28
That's that me, depresso.
(photo credit: Fred Duval. Via Shutterstock, Shutterstock/Giuseppe Elio Cammarata)
Nespresso Israel has launched their new line of pods laced with SSRIs, called the ‘Depresso’ collection, the company announced in a statement.
“After months of war, we realized Israelis don’t just need a coffee that wakes them up — they need one that keeps them from screaming into the void,” Moshe Brewsman, the head of Nespresso Israel, said. “That’s why we created Depresso — for those mornings when the only thing heavier than your eyelids is the news."
The collection comes in several combinations, including Lexapro Lungo, Prozac Pumpkin Spice, and Wellbutrin Winter Blend.
“We wanted to allow Israelis to combine the bold flavors of our expertly brewed blends with that extra little something to keep them from giving up on everything,” Brewsman said.
“It’s really quite ingenious,” Dr. Benjamin Beanfeld of the Beilinson Brew Medical Center said. “After all, combining the chemicals of the antidepressants with the caffeine essentially turns two dependencies into one!”
The new flavors have been out for barely a week, and Israelis are already raving about them.
"Israelis are resilient, but let’s face it — even the toughest among us could use a pick-me-up,” one customer told the Jerusalem Roast.
“I like that blend of classic Nespresso with the subtle aftertaste of ‘maybe the next push notification won’t ruin my life,’” another said.
We here at the paper love Depresso!
Many Israeli companies have noted a positive change in their employees after switching their office coffee to Depresso, including us here at the Roast.
"We've replaced all the coffee in the office with Depresso; it’s really made reporting the news more… not fun, but bearable," Correspondent to Russia and Gen Z Corinne Bummer said.
English (US) ·