Purim Shpiel: New cutting-edge weight loss procedure takes the world by storm

Purim Shpiel: The following is a satirical article from The Jerusalem Post's annual parodic Purim page, The Jerusalem Roast. Enjoy!

By SHRINK PERETS MARCH 14, 2025 16:29

A doctor holds a patient's arm after it has been removed (photo credit: Canva)

After the massive success of weight loss drugs such as Ozempic and Wegovy, Kaplan-B Medical Center has announced its cutting-edge -- or, cutting-arm -- procedure is finally open to patients.

"The results are simply remarkable," said Dr. Notta Reeldoc, a leading researcher at the Institute for Advanced Research Methods & Loss of Extremities Society (ARMLESS). "Our patients lose an average of 15 pounds instantly. Plus, they report significant reductions in snacking, simply because they can't reach the cupboards anymore."

Dr. Noah Clue, chief surgeon at the Center for Appendage Reduction Sciences, enthusiastically endorsed the procedure. 

"It's completely natural - no chemicals, no pills, just simple subtraction. And the best part? The weight stays off permanently, unless your arms grow back, which we've found happens in less than 1% of cases," he said.

“My life has totally improved," one patient, Ima Dimwit, told The Jerusalem Roast.

Patients reported immediate results! (credit: Canva)

"I’m spending less money on long-sleeved shirts, using less deodorant, and saving a fortune on winter gloves. The economic benefits alone made this procedure worthwhile."

The ultimate life hack!

China’s leading weight loss expert, Dr. Sum Ting-Wong, who was consulted during the early stages of development, praised the innovative procedure.

"Sure, traditional methods like diet and exercise can work, but why spend years developing healthy habits when you could just lose your arms in an afternoon? It's the ultimate life hack!"

Dr. Lou's D. License, head of the Department of Radical Solutions at Desperate Measures Medical Center, spoke to the Roast to address the recent safety concerns coming from sceptics who maybe don't want to lose both their arms for the sake of an arbitrary number on a scale.

"The procedure is incredibly safe," he assured. 

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"We've reduced our mortality rate to just slightly above that of traditional arm possession. And let's be honest - having arms is so 2023."