The True Birchas HaBayis

Many people buy a choson and kallah a Birchas HaBayis plaque to hang in their new home. It contains the wish that their house be blessed with all kinds of success, peace and prosperity, children, and harmony. But these things are not acquired by the possession of any plaque. What can one do to ensure these most coveted blessings?

The Gemara in Bava Metzia reveals the secret in no uncertain terms. “L’olam y’hei adom zahir b’kvod ishto sh’ein habracha metzuya b’soch beiso shel adom ela bishvil ishto – A person should always be careful to respect his wife, for blessing is only found in a man’s home because of his wife.” The Gemara cites as a proof to this rule, the verse, “U’l’Avram heitiv b’avura – And to Avram He (Hashem) was good because of her (his wife Sarah).”

This lesson demands careful study, for Hashem chose Avraham Avinu as his example, who we would think would deserve of Hashem’s blessing for many other reasons. After all, Avraham Avinu was a man of great kindness and charity, and we know that Hashem always promises material wealth to those who are charitable. He was also a man of Torah, as the medrash teaches us that Avraham Avinu studied a tractate of avodah zarah that had 400 folios. Yet, the Gemara reveals to us that the elusive pursuit of bracha can be found only with the respect to one’s mate. Perhaps this is one of the reasons why this dictum of Chazal starts with the word l’olam, always, for it emphasizes that even if a person has many other merits, he cannot afford to neglect respect to his wife. For therein lies the secret of one’s domestic happiness.

But there are other reasons why the Gemara chooses to use the emphatic l’olam, always. I believe the Gemara is inferring from the fact that Hashem taught us this lesson during a very trying episode of Avram and Sarai’s lives. It was when she was abducted by Pharoah, and Avram was afraid that he might be killed. Yet Hashem chose this precise juncture to teach us the importance of respecting a wife. This is to teach us that even in trying times, when under extreme stress, we must hold dear to the responsibility to cherish and treat with great care our soul mate.

Rava, the great Talmudist, was also the pulpit rabbi of the wealthy town of Mechuza. There, he advised his congregants and townspeople, “Okiru neshaichu k’dei d’tisasru – Honor your wives in order that you should be wealthy.” Rava knew that wealthy people especially tend to get preoccupied and distracted and often neglect that which they take for granted. So Rava wanted to redirect their priorities and to remind them that the secret of their blessing does not lie in their business acumen or their financial prowess, or even in a craftsman’s skill. Rather, it hinges upon how they take care of their partner. Hashem makes a simple equation, “I gave you a wife. The way you take of her, that’s the way I will take care of you.”

When the Gemara says l’olam, always, it comes to teach us that we should avoid treating our wives robotically, out of habit. We should desist from treating them shabbily when they are not appealing because of exhaustion, from children and housework, and even when they are irritable or even sometimes unpleasant because of the rigors of family life. We should steel ourselves to be tender even through the rollercoaster of emotions they exhibit when pregnant, or after birth, and we should be loving even through the challenges of life’s changes. When we make this pursuit a priority, then Hashem will truly bless our homes with a lasting Birchas HaBayis.

May it be the will of Hashem that all those who are single find their mate quickly so they can begin practicing these virtues, and that all homes which are facing marital challenges, may Hashem give us the strength to reverse the tide and bring blessings to our homes. In that merit, may Hashem bless all of us with long life, good health and all kinds of sweetness.

Transcribed and edited by Shelley Zeitlin.