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Purim Shpiel: The following is a satirical article from The Jerusalem Post's annual parodic Purim page, The Jerusalem Roast. Enjoy!
By OHAD GANDALF MARCH 14, 2025 13:10
At the food truck in the port of Caesarea
(photo credit: mood trucks)
After much anticipation and enough dramatic trailers to make even Netflix jealous, Kan has finally dropped its latest must-watch TV show, The Shin Bet Housewives of Caesarea. Think Real Housewives - but with more chutzpah, concealed carry, and government-classified marriage problems.
The show follows the everyday lives of three fierce wives - Avital, Batya, and Carmel - who juggle their kinds in life, maintaining their impossibly large villas, and, of course, perfecting their marksmanship at the local Netanya gun range. But the real drama kicks off when they receive the most terrifying news of all: their husbands will be "off the grid" for 48 hours on an undisclosed mission.
Meet the wives, but don't ask too many questions
Avital is the queen bee of the group. Her husband was recruited straight from the elite Yamam unit after only having been in it for a year, and she keeps their marbled-floored villa running with military precision. She herself was a high ranking officer during her army service as well.
Batya has the sharpest tongue in all of Caesarea and isn't afraid to use it. Her husband, a former Givat sniper, may have steady aim, but even he can't handle her rants.
Carmel is the "mystery" of the group - her husband supposedly "helped" the Mossad on a major mission in the Middle East while in the CIA. No one knows exactly what that means, but sounds very dramatic, so she says it a lot.
Episode one: Chaos, crying, and classified
The season premier kicks off with a bang (literally, at the shooting range) as the women process the news of their husbands' temporary disappearance.
Avital suddenly feels nauseous but chalks it up to stress - until Carmle forces her to take a pregnancy test between rounds at the range. (Nothing says “bonding” like peeing on a stick next to a pile of M-16s.) When the test comes back positive, Avital breaks down and confesses to Batya, who reacts the only way a Real Housewife of Caesarea could:
“You are more like your husband than yourself, Avital!” Batya screeches, dramatically tossing her Gucci purse onto the granite countertop. “Why trust Carmel over me?! You know she is the biggest gossiper in all of Caesarea! She lives in a movie, that woman!”
Avital, fueled by pregnancy hormones and pure Sephardi rage, retaliates with an open-handed slap, sending Batya’s Prada sunglasses flying into the imported Italian fruit bowl. The scene spirals into a full-blown kitchen brawl—one that would make even the most hardened interrogators at Shin Bet wince.
You don't want to miss this season
Coming up in this season, Carmel accidentally leaked classified information which detailed a major mission while getting a manicure at Ramat Aviv's most exclusive salon. Avital goes into labor in the middle of Krav Maga class, forcing her to deliver in an armored SUV and surprise guest appearance by the Prime Minister...or at least his convoy blocking the road to their houses for an hour.
English (US) ·